British Home Secretary Priti Patel reveals the government’s latest deals with the Rwandan government. In doing so, many pundits believe that she has set out her leadership bid with her vision for the future of Brexit Britain.
“The UK has an estimated 227,000 homeless people.” The Home Secretary said “The government have vowed to spend £2 billion over a three-year period on tackling this issue. The problem is that the UK is really expensive to live in. Even the shit bits like Scotland, Wales and the North of England are going up. Heaven knows why. However, we can buy land and build houses in Rwanda far, far cheaper.”
“We have managed to secure an agreement with the Rwandan Government for us to send all 227,000 homeless people to the country. Each person will receive a guaranteed house, with a garden.”
The first flights are expected to leave as early as next week, while the police are encouraged to start rounding up all rough sleepers and anyone with a long-beard and a green overcoat, a can of special brew and/or an underfed dog.
There are concerns from some human rights campaigners but then the leftie loons always moan about everything don’t they!
Patel went on to say “The first houses will begin to be built from next month. The Government are proud to have secured the services of the same company which oversaw the incredibly successful football stadiums built in Qatar, which were built on-time and on budget. The company were also successful in building the Great Pyramid of Giza.”
Despite, the first houses not being ready until at least January 2023, both governments are keen to begin the transfer of people straight away. The Rwandan government have pledged to supply tents as a temporary measure. With various fields available, most being guaranteed to be completely clear of landmines.
The Home Secretary sees this as merely the beginning of a continued relationship between the two countries. “This deal has managed to save the UK taxpayer £1 billion from our £2 billion commitment. It is an incredible opportunity which has meant that we can afford the travel costs for all drug addicts too!”
“Each year, up to 20,000 people visit the NHS requiring treatment after taking illegal substances. Healthcare in the UK is expensive because the Doctors and those fucking nurses expect decent pay. Legislation is being put forward for all NHS patients to be drug tested and anyone who has broken our drug laws will be sent to a drug addiction clinic in Rwanda.”
“Not only this but the UK government is committed to ensuring that all UK prisons and prisoners are to be in Rwanda by 2026. Forecasts say that the prison population will reach close to 100,000 by this date, costing the UK taxpayer nearly £6 billion every year. This figure will drop by at least two thirds. The Conservative Government will ease the tax burden not only on you but your children too.”
The Home Secretary also confirmed that she and Health Secretary Sajid Javid are in discussions about how the Rwandan authorities can support the NHS. “We’d be foolish to rule anything out. The NHS budget is over £170 billion every single year. We obviously can’t sustain that and need to find solutions which will inevitably involve Rwanda in some capacity. Obviously A&E and ambulance staff need to remain in the UK but things like cancer treatment and palliative care, its frankly stupid that we treat them in this country when we’ve got a close relationship with our friends in Rwanda which can save our country billions of pounds.”
“Dementia. I’m not being funny but half of them don’t even know where the fuck they are. We are paying a thousand quid a week for people with dementia to be cared for here when we could stick them on a plane for £400 and they’d be looked after for less than £1,000 a year. Imagine the savings!”
“Every government department could save money. Social Services spend £1.7 billion a year on Fostering but that’s paying foster parents over £20,000 a year here. The Rwandans would do it for £2,000. We could save £1.5 billion from the budget there.”
“Benefits. As a government we are obviously committed to ensuring that people don’t starve to death and to house them, heat them etc… you know, the basics. It’s expected from us. However, it costs an absolute fortune. Over £200 billion a year in benefits. Out there, nothing costs as much, the house is cheap, you don’t need heating because you’ve got the sun, food is always knocking about from Red Cross vans. All these anxiety people who can’t leave the house, that’s fine, just stay in a house in Rwanda for 10% of the cost.”
“Obviously nobody would dream of wanting to send school children away from their families to learn. However, at 16? We could close all colleges (except Eton and the really good ones) and 16–18-year-olds could learn in Rwanda. The savings would be huge, and the experience would be incredible. Stay for university and we will give you three years for the price of 1. Just £9,000 for a degree, everyone is a winner!”
“There isn’t a single government department which couldn’t benefit from our good friends in Central Africa.”
The Home Secretary then opened up for questions and Robert Peston from ITV asked ‘how can the transport department save money from Rwanda?’
“People in the DVLA are overpaid and underworked. In Rwanda we can set up an ugly tall building just like that monstrosity in that shithole Morriston and save 70% of the costs. Easily.”
Laura Kuenssberg from the BBC then asked, ‘with the climate emergency, are all these flights to and from Rwanda going to destroy the planet?
“I was waiting for some tree hugger to ask that question. As you know, me and this government are completely committed to saving this planet and reducing our carbon emissions. Do you know how much CO2 the average person in the UK produces each year? Do you? Well, its 10 tonnes.”
“In Rwanda it is 0.12 tonnes. The beauty of this proposal is that it has no downsides. People want to find problems but this will ensure that LESS CO2 will be going into the earth’s atmosphere and not more.”
MPs will vote on this proposal later in the week in-between the bill on whether ‘the word ethical can be diluted in the English language to include the unethical’ and ‘whether being called ginger is as offensive as the term nigger’. It is thought that all three will be approved by the large Tory majority.
Disclaimer: As far as we know, this article is a joke and not factually correct. The fact that we need to point this out, shows how fucked our country is on so many levels.