St Peters Church, Pontardawe to be knocked down

A new £5 million church is to replace St Peters in Pontardawe. The state-of-the-art church will include a Costa Coffee drive through, a Mecca Bingo hall and will be completely carbon neutral – with cutting edge technology which uses sonic bat rays as a tool to electrify the building.  

Some idiots are objecting to this proposal, but they just don’t understand the sign of the times!!!

Port Talbot Labour stated “The building isn’t fit for purpose for religion in the 21st century. You can’t have 21st century religion in a Victorian building! Churches need to adapt and bring in an income”.

The current church requires a new seat which the council says would require £100,000 to replace. Other issues with the church include a light bulb which needs replacing (estimated to cost £50,000) and the grass needs cutting (£20,000 per day).

A new church will be part funded by the Welsh Government with Labour Minister Jeremy Smiles saying “I don’t care in the slightest, I have far better things to do. I don’t need to talk to any resident about this. I don’t need to be re-elected for a few years. I’ll pretend to listen to residents then! Until then; go away!’

Paul Keypies, the NPT council officer for Religious redevelopment, said “The existing site will be sold off for houses and the new church will be built in Carmarthen. Although the council have committed to putting on a bus service for Pontardawe residents to the church every Christmas Eve until 2025”. The church is expected to be complete by January 1st 2026.

St Peters congregation will meet to vote on the proposal in the coming weeks although the council officer has warned that “The church is in need of total demolition. There is no way that the church can be saved. It requires over £268 billion to bring it up to standards and there is no other area closer that a new church could go. The building is unsafe and could collapse at any moment according to my mate Dave and he knows a builder.”    

For anyone who is concerned; this is not true.

Jack Swan
Author: Jack Swan

Swansea genius.

Jack Swan

Swansea genius.