Jokes by spense – Issue #89 Jack swan Magazine

My New Years’s Resolution is to be more Punctual……

Why do laxatives have a best before date?. If they go off, what’s the worst that can happen?.

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. The first few chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.

A guy goes on Stars in your Eyes.

Mathew Kelly says to the guy that he has a really sad story to tell.

Yes said the guy. Many years ago I was in a car with my uncle when we had a crash. My uncle was killed instantly and I lost both my legs. Miraculously the surgeons managed to transplant my uncles legs onto me.

That’s a really heartwarming story says Mathew, but who are you going to be tonight?

The guy says tonight Mathew I’m going to be Simon and half uncle.

I’m selling my old dogging magazines on eBay. No bids yet, but I’ve got 15 watchers.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”, I asked a Cardiff fan.

“Of course”, he replied, “Who doesn’t?”

“What’s your favourite book?”, I asked.

“The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz tries to save him”, he answered.

I don’t have a very taxing job.

I’m an accountant for Starbucks.

As I get older I find that I only need three shops, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

Apparently, Waddingtons now do a swinger’s edition of Cluedo; Everyone did it, in all the rooms

Jimmy the Parrot

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren’t cursing were very rude.

Jimmy tried to change the bird’s attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior”.

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird’s attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the Chicken did?”

I just emailed my application form for the dominatrix club

I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission.